Peace

Jim and I attained some level of peace within the last week concerning our future as parents. After many tears, much deliberation and a LOT of talking and praying, we’ve decided that we will not be trying to have another baby naturally. We are going to wait a couple of years, work, save up some money toward our future and for emergencies, and then try to adopt. Although we know it’s not statistically probable that we will lose another child, the fear, anxiety and stress that accompany thinking about conceiving again is too much for us to fathom. Jim doesn’t want to see me go through the pain of surgery and recovery again, and is also scared about the possibility of losing another child. We know that we might change our minds in the future, but for now we have made peace with our decision.

We had thought about adoption before we got pregnant, but decided to try to have children biologically first. Then, during my super rough pregnancy, we had determined that we would have just the one child biologically and then if we wanted more kids we would explore adoption. After Angel died we thought we would try again biologically, because the pain of losing her was much greater than the pain and frustration and sickness of pregnancy and childbirth. It still is, but it is also a gamble, and neither of us feel comfortable with the timeline required to try again to deliver before Jim gets out of the military, and not knowing if we would be ready emotionally or if I would be ready physically was also a source of concern. If we were to lose another child, through miscarriage or another stillbirth, we are just not sure we could take it emotionally. Our marriage is so strong now, and we are so wholeheartedly devoted to one another. We want to do right by each other, as well as be great parents to our children. I don’t feel like, as a mother, it is responsible for me to get pregnant again if I’m not sure I’m ready; I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. Also, I am glad, in a way, that the good memories I have from being pregnant – how it felt when my child kicked and moved, Jim’s hands on my belly, all of that – I get to associate with Angel and only Angel.

We have not yet determined if we will adopt internationally or domestically. We have done a lot of research on the matter and are still exploring all of our options. We will continue to do research, be in touch with families that have adopted in one manner or the other, do extensive research on agencies and country programs, and think everything through as completely as is possible. Also, since the financial committment to adoption is so great, we want to be as prepared as possible. Jim will need to get back to being a civilian again and have a career and job steady enough for his self-assurance of our financial situation, and we have targets for our emergency fund and for our adoption fund before we even start the process. We are excited about the prospect of becoming parents again, but understand, also, that we need to give ourselves the necessary time to grieve the loss of our daughter and heal so we can be the best possible parents to our future children.

In the mean time, we won’t just be sitting around or lamenting our quiet house. Jim will fulfill his military committment and further his higher education, plus work on figuring out if he will be able to work from home as a professional geek or get a government job as a civilian. I have big plans for my future education, and I’d love to start law school within the next year, in addition to getting back to work as soon as possible (possibly starting something more like a career than a job), and helping with the building of our savings accounts (and paying down my growing student loans).

We covet your prayers and positive thoughts as we settle in to life as a quiet couple in Oklahoma and make plans for the further extension of our family. We do not equate adoption in any way as a backup plan or as second best to having biological children; we ask that, should you disagree with our decision or judge us for it, you withhold any negativity, both to us directly or on the blog.