I have really been struggling lately with the direction my nesting energy has been focused. I have been going, going, going but haven’t seemed to get anything accomplished baby-wise. The nursery is painted, but other than that, that side of the house is a big mess, with stuff strewn about the nursery, guest room and hallway in between.
I have been cleaning the house from top to bottom each weekend, making sure all the dishes are done and cooking and baking like a madwoman. I did yard work last weekend. This weekend I picked up all of the dog poop in our backyard, which hadn’t been done in a while, and helped Jim put together our new fire pit. I have focused my energy on the garage, the house, the yard… but not the nursery.
This makes me feel guilty because I WANT to get the nursery put together and decorated, but I’m terrified of the emotional repercussions of unpacking all of the stuff that I haven’t seen since right after Angel’s death. My little sister will be in town later this week and will be helping me unpack and will be the muscle for the heavy stuff. I think it will help to have her there. (Updated to note that Kendal will actually be here NEXT week, not this week. Apparently I can’t read a calendar.) Jim wants to help, but isn’t so good at the whole decorating thing, and doesn’t have a lot of time on weekends, what with working 12-16 hour days on Saturdays and Sundays.
A lovely friend told me the other night that there’s no reason to feel guilty because Eddy won’t know if her room is ready when she arrives. She doesn’t care that it’s 6 weeks from her delivery date and her crib isn’t put together. She doesn’t know that her changing table isn’t set up and her clothes aren’t put away. And my friend is right. And Jim told me I shouldn’t feel guilty because we have plenty of time. But it’s still hard for me. I feel like I’m being super productive, just not in the way I ought to be.
I hope that when Kendal comes to town and we get started on everything that the push will get me and I will be able to finish it all, and that I won’t break down emotionally (and that if I do it will be okay and not a constant each time I unwrap something) and that I will be able to get this weight off of my shoulders.
Well, on that note I’ll leave you with a photo of the revealed super secret super special project in the nursery.
I painted one wall the lighter color of pink, made a stencil from tracing a wooden elephant, and painted the dark pink around each of the elephants. The wall across from this one is solid dark pink, and the other two are solid light pink. 🙂