Our Little Geekling

Our journey toward finding out what it means to be a parent.

Working Hard and Working Too Hard May 22, 2010

Filed under: Life and Love — mrsdangelo @ 07:34

Hi, Readers,

I have been slacking on the whole blog thing. The reason is in the title: I’ve been working hard! I leave the house by 7:10 each morning (often earlier) and return about 5:50pm (sometimes later). Getting used to working has been quite an adjustment after eight months of unemployment. But I’m adjusting, and Jim’s adjusting and we share the household tasks effectively and try to spend as much time as possible with one another. I really like my job, though, and though the work comes in waves (sometimes I’m bored to tears, other times the workload makes me feel like crying), I am learning a lot and realizing how much goes into building loans and how that side of a bank works. ALSO – I PASSED MY COMPREHENSIVE EXAMS! WOO HOO! That means that I should be receiving my diploma for my Master’s degree (Master of Science in International Relations from Troy University) sometime this summer! Even as I type out the student loan payments each month, I think it was worth it. I worked HARD for that degree!

Speaking of working, Jim’s DONE working! His last duty day was today, and as of 2 June we will once again be a civilian family (which we have only been for 2 months of our almost 7-year marriage – the first 2 months). He starts school the second week of June, and we are super excited because he was accepted into the Physics program at OU and he’s really excited about it (and him being excited and happy makes me happy). He’ll be working from home as a geek-for-hire, and maybe working part-time, depending on our financial needs and how they’re able to be met with my salary, the GI Bill benefits and Jim’s geek jobs.

In other news, I want to address the idea of working too hard. Not at a job, although that seems a relevant topic given the above two paragraphs, but in life, friendship and other relationships. Our situation in the last almost six months has let out the strange attitudes in some people. We appreciate the mourning of our daughter, and we understand that those closest to us, especially our family members who lost a member of their family as well, have grieved along with us. But besides being there for us when asked to be, and letting us talk, cry or laugh, depending on the situation, we don’t want anything else unless we ask for it. We don’t want others to be completely distraught, we don’t want people to make strange offers or try to embrace our grief. We just want to be embraced. We don’t need you to walk on eggshells around us or try to fix our family; our family, though incomplete in the worst way, is not broken. We don’t want you to try to find out what we need because we don’t need anything the majority of the time! Some of the best times before we left Japan and since we moved have been spent with friends or family actually laughing and being able to be ourselves again. Even when the wound was freshest it was easy to miss our daughter but be more like ourselves when we were allowed. Yes, our hearts have been torn apart and we are devastated and it still hits us both often and at the worst times that our daughter is gone, but we don’t need others to try to take that upon themselves (especially if their intentions are to take our grief into their hands in a way that causes them to require attention or causes others to pity them for our loss), and we definitely don’t need people to go out of their way to try to give us what THEY think is best for us. If we want or need something from those closest to us and/or the situation, we are not above asking. Please just be there for us; please just wait for us to ask; please don’t offer things, even with the best of intentions, because YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT WE NEED!

In addition, we are OVER people expressing their opinions about how we should become parents again. I’ve talked on this blog about our intentions with adoption. I am not dense to the fact that despite extra caution, we could get pregnant again. We understand that no matter our intentions or wishes or thoughts about our future parenthood that God may have a completely different plan for our lives. We don’t want your opinion, Internet! We don’t want you to tell us what YOU think is best for us! We don’t want you to tell us that you think we’re wrong, or that Angel wants a baby sibling. She isn’t here! She can’t come back. We know that she would want us to be happy, but we have to grieve for our child and, honestly, we are the ones who are receptive to God’s plan for our lives and are NOT looking for someone else to interpret those plans!

So, Internet, I hope that no one will take this personally, because it’s, frankly, a compilation from a large hodge podge of different conversations with, I’m sure, well-meaning friends and family. But please remember that we are still grieving our daughter’s death. Though we are doing well, things aren’t fine now. Be sensitive and think before you speak (or write). Be there for us but PLEASE don’t offer advice, opinions or things for which we haven’t asked.

Hope everyone’s had a good week and that you all have a wonderful weekend.

Love, Tara

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2 Responses to “Working Hard and Working Too Hard”

  1. Cyn Says:

    Well written. I couldn’t have said it better Tara. No one knows what you guys need but you. I love your straightforward way of letting people know how you feel.

  2. Patty Says:

    wow…I really cannot believe you even had to write such an entry Tara, but as always it is best to speak your mind. I hope people will be a little more careful with their suggestions, recommendations and unsolicited donations. Miss you.


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