Spring is here and I’m not quite sure how I feel about it this year. Usually I like it, even though fall is my favorite season. But this year, with spring bringing new life everywhere, I can’t help but remember how our baby girl’s life was taken away. I know that’s the wrong attitude to have, but I’m reminded daily of the fact that she isn’t here. It’s so so hard!
We are so happy today, and yet so sad at the same time. Jim’s cousin, Angie, and her husband, Zack, welcomed beautiful, healthy baby Zoey Abigail into the world this morning in Denver. We couldn’t be more thrilled for them! They suffered a miscarriage with their first pregnancy, a heartache that I would wish upon no one, especially such a wonderful couple. We got pregnant shortly after they did, and they had already miscarried when we told everyone we were expecting. This cousin of Jim’s is also a really close friend. They are the same age, their birthdays are 5 days apart (and, coincidentally, Zack and I are the same age; our birthdays are 4 days apart). Jim and Angie grew up together, graduated high school together, we all got married the same year. Angie’s due date was my birthday, and mine was 5 days before her birthday. And then we were supposed to have baby girls within the same year that could grow up together and be good friends. We were all so looking forward to it! So with Zoey’s birth comes wonderful relief for us, that our dear friends/family members have such a healthy and beautiful girl. But at the same time there is a heartache that is brought by the fact that our girls won’t grow up together, and will never get to play or laugh together, and we won’t get to share parenthood together as we’ve been able to share everything else for so many years. We are SO happy for them, and yet we miss our Angel so much that it hurts. Zoey’s birth sort of seems like an end to everything we shared with Angie and Zack, which is really hard to take.
Anyway, spring this year isn’t quite what I had expected, but I’m still, somehow, so optimistic about the growth and happiness that our lives will have. I’ve always always been such a pessimistic and cynical person that it probably amazes my friends that I am able to be positive through the worst thing ever. But I am. I know that the heartache might last forever, but that our hearts can only break so much. (Not that I want to test that theory.) I miss my daughter every minute, but I still have a good life. I have an absolutely wonderful marriage and a husband whose love and kindness and caring never ceases to amaze me. I have a supportive family that loves us and has welcomed us home with open arms. I have friends across the globe who send hugs and encouragement across the Internet and who want to visit me in Oklahoma – as if there’s anything fun here – just because they want to see me; and I have friends locally who give me hugs and encouragement in person, along with queso, wine and lots of laughter. We have enough financially, even though we don’t have a lot. We have a beautiful home and a wonderful dog and a sweet kitty. And we have beautiful memories of our daughter’s 10 months of development and great hope for our future children.
So since spring is here, I will choose to look forward and not backward, to look for new life and growth instead of focusing on death and sadness. I will consciously choose to embrace Angie and Zack and love their daughter (my new ex-step-second-cousin-in-law – don’t try to follow that) and be so grateful for her life and that Angie and Zack did not have to experience another heartache. I will choose to focus on the joy that our future children will bring into our lives, and to be a good parent for my Angel in heaven, always making her proud with the life I lead. I will give all I have, every single day, to my marriage and to my husband. I will work as hard as I can to contribute to a good life for us. And I will choose happiness and joy and positivity over pain.