Last night I had a really terrible dream that left me feeling listless and really emotional when I woke up. As a result, I had a horrible day, emotionally, and just broke down out of nowhere several times – all of them in public, of course.
In my dream I was pregnant again and things were really scary because it isn’t really very safe for me to get pregnant again yet (because I had a c-section and because I need to let my body recuperate). In the dream I was bleeding a lot and I was really scared about the baby’s health, and my health and there were a lot of concerns.
In some ways I want to be pregnant again as soon as it’s safe, because I’m a mom without a child, and that’s really a difficult situation in which to exist. In other ways I’m not sure that I’m ready emotionally or that I will be for a very long time. It’s a very difficult and frustratingly emotional situation. I know that I don’t have to make up my mind right away. At the very least I have until May to decide (because at 6 months post-op the risks, while still considerable, are not as high).
I’m just so thankful for Jim for being there in the morning when I woke up upset and needed to be held, and for holding my hand when I cried and giving me hugs to make me feel safe and protected and like I can get through this situation. I hope I have good dreams tonight.