I have been amazed at the responses I’ve been getting lately. I had no idea that people would continue to read the blog after everything that happened, but I appreciate more than I can say the support, love and compassion that has been shown. I’m so thankful I can continue to use this blog as an outlet for my emotions and that we have so many people who are praying for us. Also, I hope to use this blog to document any future children we might have or adopt. Until then, it’s just for emotional storms and information.
As you all (probably) know, Jim and I live in Japan. As many of you have figured out, he is in the military. Well, his branch of service (I’m not sure if it’s all of them) have a program for Permanent Change of Station (PCS) moves called Humanitarian assignments that you are able to apply for in the face of a terrible situation. Many people will apply for a Humanitarian if a family member is sick or they need to go home to take part in a custody battle or take care of a family member after someone passes away. The idea is that you apply for a PCS to the nearest location to your largest support system. My family lives in Oklahoma, and Jim’s is spread out between California, Colorado, Missouri and Florida. In a year Jim will be separating from the military and we had planned to move to Oklahoma because there are several jobs in his current field for which he could apply, and OU has several programs in which he’s interested as well as the PhD program I want to work through. In the face of our situation we opted to apply for a Humanitarian to leave Japan and go to Oklahoma a year earlier than we’d planned. It was approved and we will be moving soon. I am leaving Tokyo on Tuesday with our cat and Jim leaves a week later.
We know that things won’t be easy, starting this new life in a new place without our little girl, but we are hoping that things might be easier to take with our family nearby. Even those that live out-of-state from where we will be are a lot closer than when we are here in Japan. We want to start a new chapter of our lives, while realizing the previous chapter will never really close or end. I want to be able to go to buy groceries without having to wear my headphones so that people won’t talk to me and ask questions about our baby. I want to be somewhere I wasn’t pregnant. We want to be in a home where she never had a nursery, where the door doesn’t have to stay closed so that we don’t have to look at the crib or the rocking chair or the changing table or her sweet little clothes. We want to be somewhere that we don’t have to drive past the hospital to go see friends.
I still sometimes forget that I’m not still pregnant and she’s not going to be here. Jim still sometimes feels like she’s just still at the hospital and we have to go pick her up. We need to be somewhere that this stuff didn’t happen, that we can move on with our new lives without her and plan for our future and remember her fondly instead of having the constantly nagging negatives that we associate with this base. We also want to remember Japan fondly, and right now that’s just not possible for us being here in this situation.
So we’re moving to Oklahoma. Please pray for us.