Happy New Year!
Neither Jim nor I were sad to see 2009 go. It was a good year. No, honestly. Jim and I got closer than we’ve ever been before and our marriage evolved into this amazing relationship that we both feel good about every day. We decided to try to have a baby and got pregnant in the first month of trying. Jim got to go on a “business trip” to a school to learn a portion of his job that he could actually do for the rest of his life (whereas the portion he normally does he doesn’t want to do at all). I ran the marathon. We paid off all of our debt. I finished the coursework for my Master’s and am just lacking 3 of 4 parts of my comprehensive exam to graduate. We both determined what we wanted to do, career-wise, in the future (which determined the other degrees we both want to get in the future). We truly discovered ourselves and each other’s personalities and quirks, in a new and wonderful way that helped us to be sure that our little girl and any other future children would admire our marriage and love for each other and be proud of us.
But of course you all know why all of those good things didn’t matter so much as of 27 November.
But it’s a NEW YEAR! There’s NEW HOPE. We are hopeful for a NEW HOME and a NEW FUTURE and a NEW PLACE to live where we won’t have a closed off room that makes us sad or an awkward run-in with people who knew we were expecting a baby. If Jim gets his transfer from work we’ll be going to a place where we have family nearby and old and new friends alike. As thankful as we have been for our AMAZING support system here, it will be good to be able to call my mom or sisters when I need to talk without worrying about the time difference, and to meet my one of my brothers for lunch or dinner when I need a good distraction, and to call my dad when I need a big bear hug or a kind word. It will be nice to be able to go to the grocery store without worrying about whether or not I will see one of the other 6 people from our childbirth class that had a beautiful, healthy baby. It will be great to be able to go places and not have to worry about the language barrier or the crappy Yen rate or the fact that I can’t just go out for good Mexican food whenever I want (it’s the important things, people!). It will be wonderful to be able to finally put down some roots, at least for longer than a few years, buy a house, get some dogs, get our car back from storage and figure out what I’m going to do with my life now that I’m not a stay-at-home mom like I had planned.
We’ll never get over losing our baby, and we’ll never stop grieving losing her and we’ll NEVER be able to replace her or forget about her, even if we wanted to (which we will never want). But a NEW YEAR and NEW HOPE and a NEW HOME and a NEW PLACE might help us to be able to move through this tragedy to the side of things where we can start looking toward a NEW NORMAL and figure out how to get along in this NEW LIFE that we thought would include her but doesn’t.
So HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone. I hope you all have an amazing, wonderful and beautiful 2010.