Our Angel was born two weeks and one day ago. Jim and I are doing okay. Life is so different than we imagined it would be at this point, that we’re still in a state of shock sometimes, realizing that she’s not going to be here, she’s not going to cry from the next room, and we don’t get to hold her again. We have had amazing support from local friends, the hospital staff and some of the other agencies in our area, as well as from some of our family members and globally located friends via telephone and Internet. The blessings poured upon us during our time of grief has been amazing and incredibly humbling.
The loss of our Angel is not something I envision us being able to wrap our heads around soon, if ever. I know that the normal we once knew is never going to come back, and that the new normal will not necessarily be comfortable. I know that in 5, 20 or 50 years we may still break down in tears at the drop of a hat or when we remember how it felt to kiss her cheeks or wipe the tears we cried upon her from her brow. But her short life meant so much to us both and our love for her cannot be measured. It’s amazing to me how much I can love someone I knew for such a short time. The love I have for my daughter is more amazing and more powerful than I thought possible. It’s so different from the love I have for Jim, and yet, so powerful. It’s wonderful to me that God has given me the capacity to love so much. Angel’s life meant a stronger marriage for Jim and me – a closer bond between us; a confirmation that love comes in all shapes and sizes; faith that is truly blind and a calm that is God-sent in the face of a situation that could cause so much anger and frustration; a drive to be better individually – to achieve great things our children of which our children would be proud; a positivity I didn’t know existed inside of me – that hopes for the future, wants only the best, seeks the good in the bad situation; and a spirit that never gives up.
Angel also gave me an even greater appreciation for my amazing and wonderful husband. Without Jim to be by my side during this horrible and devastating loss, I don’t think I could make it through. If I could spare him the pain and grief I would in a heartbeat, but I cannot do that, and knowing that he will hold me when I need him, and giving him the same assurance in return gives us each individual strength and makes us stronger as a couple, too.
Thank you all for your love and support, your wonderful letters, cards, calls, e-mails and messages, your thoughts and prayers, the meals that have helped us to leave one thing from our minds each day (sometimes two), the company and laughter when we need distractions, and so much more. We will make it back to where we can function a little more normally eventually, but we appreciate so much knowing that you will all support us and continue to offer care and compassion as long as we are still struggling, no matter how long it takes.